How to Love Yourself After Molestation

Molestation is defined, by the legal dictionary, as “the crime of sexual acts with children up to the age of 18, including touching of private parts, exposure of genitalia, taking of pornographic pictures, rape, inducement of sexual acts with the molester of with other children, and variations of these acts by pedophiles”.

There are a ton of facts about “Child Sexual Abuse”. In fact one out of every four girls and one out of every six boys in the US is sexually abused. But the fact that has stuck with me through years of health classes is, approximately sixty percent of sexual abusers are known to the child but are not family members, such as family friends, babysitters, or neighbors.

No parents plans on their 5 year old daughter getting molested by their babysitters husband. No parent plans on that daughter not being able to find the words to express that a bad man touched her inappropriately. But worst of all, no parent plans to hear  13 years later, that their 18 year old daughter hates the way she looks because at the age of 5, a man touched her inappropriately when no one was looking.

With that being said, at school I am in a TLC (Themed Learning Community) and my 2 classes (it includes 3, 2 different classes and your FYS) are Latino Studies based. But the more and more I sit through those classes and hear that they all come here meaning no harm, I want to stand up and scream, “The man who took away everything I have at the age of 5 was a Latino, tell me he came here to do good.”

Does that mean that they all are here to rape, plunger, and kill? No. But it does mean that it is very hard to change my opinion on them. It does mean that when it comes to these types of topics I get uncomfortable. It does mean that I only sat front row in my Latino Studies class because I know that’s what you are supposed to do. It does mean that every day I walk into that class my skin crawls, not because my teacher is creepy or has acted out of line in any way, but because I now have a stigma for every Latino male. So do I want to continue to sit with my friends in the front? No. No I do not. But do I want to move to the back, and get a ton of questions asked, and get accused of hating them? No. It’s a double edged sword.

Living in a world where girls are looked at as objects, and as toys for boys to play with really fucks with a “still recovering” victim of molestation. Living in a world where girls have to be stick skinny, and be beautiful is hard for a girl who is no where near close to that standard; for a girl who is struggling day in and day out to just get out of the house that day, because what if someone hates the way she looks; for a girl who worries constantly if her boyfriend is going to like what he sees, or if he is going to find someone else. It’s a daily struggle.

In the world we live in today, it is very hard for a girl to feel comfortable with themselves. Do I feel comfortable with me? Hell no. Have I ever been comfortable with me? Yes. Do I remember that? No. See when you’re a victim of molestation, it takes a while to get used to being okay with yourself again, especially when you’ve never talked it through with someone. Especially when you’ve never truly talked about how you feel about it. Have I found out how to love myself after being a victim of molestation? No. Would I like to? Absolutely. If you figure out the answer, let me know. Please.

Most people will look at this as a post about body image, and while it is slightly about body image, being comfortable with yourself does not deal with just outward appearances. It has to deal with everything that you feel on the inside too. Being comfortable with yourself has to deal with being comfortable with the way you look, the way you talk,the way you walk, your personality, everything little detail about you has to deal with you being comfortable with who you are.

I just want to be comfortable with myself. I deserve at least that.

(I apologize for how dark this got, I’ve just got a lot on my mind and today has been a roller coaster of emotions. Not to mention its the day before the gates of hell open for business this month. But all of this is true facts, I am a victim of child molestation, they cannot find the man because it has been so long. My justice never got served, but that does not mean that someone else’s can’t. So please, speak up if you or someone you know is being sexually abused in any way, shape or form. You deserve happiness, just like I do.)

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